then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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