I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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