Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
