so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
