WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
