i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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