Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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