these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
