its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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