You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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