Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
