you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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