Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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