We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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