The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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