why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
