My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
