Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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