I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
