please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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