The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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