We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
