Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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