The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
