I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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