I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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