It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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