I want to make a zoo with you.
I've blown a few things in my day
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
