so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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