His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
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