you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
