either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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