there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
