i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize