i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize