It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm at about main and main street
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
