your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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