My liver just broke up with me...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
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