I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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