Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Dignity is for republicans.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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