I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
