Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize