If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
apparently the secret to your success is patron
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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