We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
