Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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