So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
