I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
