8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
