There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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