I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
