i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
