Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize