If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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