I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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