so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
