i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
