Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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