I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
