i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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