watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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