So drunk, too bad you don't want this
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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